I’m raising a criminal

I’m raising a criminal

(Name of specific grocery store withheld in order to protect the un-innocent. Is un-innocent even a word? If it isn’t, it should be.)

It’s happened, every parents worse fear. My child has embarked on a life of crime.

And aside from aiding and abedding this criminal, I was also an unwitting accomplace.

Lock us up.

Yesterday was grocery day in the Yontz house and often times I let Audrey help me “hold” various things in order to keep her quiet, or at the very least, keep the noise leve to a low roar. (You’re welcome fellow shoppers.)

But yesterday she took her assistance to a whole new level. I got all checked out, bags loaded up in the cart, off to the car I go.  I get everything in the trunk of my car and as I pick up Audrey to put her in her carseat…I find them.

Exhibit A, B & C.

STOLEN OBJECTS! Audrey STOLE stuff. She hid them under her woobie in the cart and they were not paid for upon check out. Where did I go wrong with this child? What’s next, car stereos and nose rings?

In her defense, she’s 2 so i’m sure the crime was purely unintentional. I’m also sure she wasn’t really hiding them under the woobie but merely placed them next to her and happened to just throw her woobie over them, but still…

(Side note, good thing her father is an attorney. Save us on legal fees in the future.)

It gets worse though. Upon finding her stash I was torn. Do I go back inside and pay OR get in to the car and go home. Keep in mind that going back into the store isn’t as easy as it sounds since we live in Arizona and it’s already hot here. Leaving the grocery bags in the car isn’t an option so I’d have to put everything back into the cart to return to the crowded store.

It’s probably not going to be a huge surprise to any of you that I just put her in the car and went home. It was hot and I had to get home to start googling boarding schools. I did however say a prayer to Jesus on the way home appologizing for my child breaking one of the 10 commandments and promised him that I will, from now on, be frisking her upon checkout. Amen.

Can you IMAGINE if I had gotten caught? Picture me walking out of the store, alarms go off, security throws me on the floor, pulling out the good screaming, “A-HA! Just as I suspected! Sargento! She’s likes the good stuff boys, CUFF HER!” I mean seriously, I’m one of those people who hears the door alarms go off in stores and I immediately frisk myself to make sure it’s not me. I already have a guilty conscience so this isn’t going to help.

This whole mom gig get’s more and more interesting by the day. Last week she told me “That cool Mommy”. She’s 2! Does anyone else have a criminal in the family? What would you have done if you were me?





  1. Well, if it were a few years ago I probably would have lugged it all back into the store and reported the accidental theft, but not so much now. First, a few years ago I didn’t have a toddler and second, I’ve read some stories about people going back into the store with items their small child has pocketed only to find themselves getting arrested for stealing. Apparently, some stores have very strict guidlines they have to follow when there is a theft and so the police must be called. It’s ridiculous because even if you want to teach your child that stealing is wrong and make them go into the store and return the item you are probably better off (both financially and emtionally) to just get in the car and go home. We live in a crazy world. Anyway, I live in NM which is not quite as hot as AZ, but I can completely understand why you just went home. In the time it would take you to return the items your food would be sweltering! My daughter is going to be two in just a few weeks and grocery shopping can be pretty exhausting! I can completely relate with your desire to just get in the car and drive home.

    • My mother-in-law told me to go back the next day but after your story, I think I will just take it as a karmic gift for all the over priced things I buy every week. :)

  2. Haha. Good story. I love that it wasn’t just ONE thing, it was three. I accidentally stole a box of tea from a drug store because it was hidden in the stroller. And possibly other things. too.

  3. That is hysterical. Even more hysterical that you got in your car and drove home Believe me, I’ve done the same thing a million times. I’m sure I’m already slotted for hell.

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