Trying to make people: Part Ugh

(Ed. note: I’m venting here. Just roll with it.)

I started writing this post about two months ago. It was dark and ugly and, well, I should have just posted it because sometimes that’s the truth behind the feelings you get when you try (and fail) at getting pregnant. Part of me really did want to hit publish but after rereading it all seemed so jumbled, like the ramblings of the lady that hangs outside 7-11 or a toddler after a donut.

I guess I needed more time to get my head together.

Around that time I had six friends- SIX!- give birth over a 2 week period. No lie. SIX! How does that even happen? Then 2 weeks after that 3 more announced they were pregnant on facebook. That night I told the handsome other half that these 3 friends of mine were expecting and his response was “I’m sorry honey” and suddenly I was that girl. 

I decided I needed a time out. A cease fire on my emotional well being. I took the month off. Like I took off everything having to do with babies (for the most part considering I still kept Audrey alive and never used the old headache trick). I packed away my OvaCue Fertility Monitor, no testing, no temps, no cervical mucus monitoring (eww), no calendars, no little hearts drawn around the expected date of ovulation on said calendar, no subsequent waiting and thinking every ache could be implantation pain… None. Of. It.

I feel like I’ve been pretty careful not to come off as a giant ungrateful “B”, and unless you follow me on Facebook, you would hardly even know all this is going on, but in my head, ugh, it’s not pretty sometimes and I am definitely not proud. It’s really hard sometimes to not feel alone, regardless of super supportive family members and a husband willing to do whatever you need him to. It’s hard not to feel like you’re the only barren womb on the block with all the bellies and babies everywhere you go. What I wouldn’t give to be exhausted with vomit on my shirt.

Recently I came across a post by Amy from Carriage Before Marriage on Huffington Post where she so accurately describes the everyday aches and pains of Secondary Infertility. The wanting to give your child the best gift in the world; a sibling- and failing. The baby shit all over your house that is crowding up your precious storage space and yet you refuse to give it up. (Seriously, don’t touch my crib.) And the guilt over being so sad regardless of the precious little person you already have. It was the most spot on piece I have ever read regarding this crapity situation and I highly recommend you reading it because I don’t do it justice and it’s better written than the nonsense you’re reading now.

I know this feeling is just a phase because this is not like me. I am the one that annoys the crap out of my husband because of my ‘it could be worse!’ attitude, just ask him. I know it’s just the holidays and the fact that I’ve researched a million adorable ways to announce you’re expecting at Christmas (Christmas card! How freaking cute is that?). And I know that God has a plan for me and my family. Everything in His time and all that.

My head knows all of this, just please explain it to my heart.

(PS, I am back on the fertility monitoring phase so stay tuned for the next edition of Trying To Make People where I show step-by-step how to use this handy little device.

 

Comments

  1. Thanks for your kind words about my piece, and sorry you have to go through this too. I am excited to read your next post – had never heard of OvaCue. Sounds easier than peeing on the sticks, but ooh, pricey.

  2. Oh Nicole,
    DAMMIT!!!!! Even though that blog post is a “downer”, it was beautifully written and I’m sure will hit home for so many women out there! My sister tried without success for over 1.5 years and now has a beautiful, energetic, crazy little boy. You will have that second baby too, I promise!!! (Oh, and when I said the blog post was a “downer”, I meant it in the terms that anything we don’t get that we want is a “downer”!! For example, I didn’t realize I was out of wine last night and it was too cold/snowy to go to the store. = Downer. I didn’t want my 8 year old to climb into bed with me last night, refuse to go back to her room, and then proceed to snore and grind her teeth last night. = Downer.) I love you, and am sending positive thoughts, juju’s, prayers and vibes your way. Audrey will have a sibling to boss around before she knows it. Hugs…

    • Dammit. I miss you. Be on the look out, sent a card to that weird German address you have. It will be a small miracle if it makes it there. We will see. And thank you. I’m always positive but sometimes you just can’t be.

  3. This is so my story 1 1/2 years ago!! I gave up in July, no Ovacue, no thermometers, no peeing on tests and no more pity parties for myself! I got rid of EVERYTHING hoping it would help. The stress was over but the pain was still there. Took a pregnancy test one month later and it was positive, God obviously has a sense of humor! Secondary infertility stinks and I feel your pain! Here’s to you getting pregnant soon!

    • Thank you for that, Sonya! And yes He does. We got pregnant with Audrey after 2 months of NOT trying and were completely blindsided and unprepared. Go figure. Congrats on your baby and Stay tuned to my story. I feel it deep in my heart we will be blessed with another child. I just know it.

  4. Did I already know this about you Nicole? I can’t remember if we’ve ever talked about it. Well, you’re not alone. As you know Ellie is now 6 1/2 and I did get pregnant with a second child, but the pregnancy was an ectopic one and I almost lost my life because of it. I’ve tried to look at the positive…I have a WONDERFUL little girl and I am still living and breathing! But I’m sad that the damage of that pregnancy has taken it’s toll and will require lots of money to fix. The other thing I’ve had to come to terms with is that I am already in peri menopause at 37 years old. I’m not willing to go through the whole hormone..IVF route either. So, while I keep watching my friends have their second and third babies, I try and not let it bother me or let it show. My husband knows the truth though and occasionally has to talk me through some tears. It will always be something that weighs on my heart.

    • No, I guess we never did talk about it. I am so sorry. We had a miscarriage last August that I try not to think about. Although, it creeps into my head that we would be coming up on his/her’s first birthday in just a few months. I have opted to do everything outside of IUI and IVF. I’m not going to put my family in long term financial hardship to have another child. That’s were I draw the line, for us. But you’re right, staying positive is the important part but we all need to vent, bitch and moan every now and then. It’s good for the soul. If you’re ever in AZ, i’m here and I always have wine. :)

  5. Nicole! I have nothing… I’m not good with words and my sense of humor is just out there, but I just wanted to let you know that I read what you have to say and I’m hugging you from Cali. ((HUGS)). I had 3 kids back to back which I still believe to be the cause of my cervical cancer (no, I don’t have HPV (eye roll lol)). I was heading into stage 3 when God blessed me with a 4th child… he saved my life and saved the life of his siblings because without me, their life would be so different. I know you have heard it a million times, “everything happens for a reason”… yea, those words suck big time, but tend to ring true. I’m glad you aren’t giving up on what you want and you truly are an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend etc… I admire you!

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