Preschool: Why didn’t you people warn me?

Preschool: Why didn’t you people warn me?

Prek

I’ve been through a lot of crap in my life. Hard crap. Death, divorce, taxes. All of the things that could break a lesser woman, however, I had no idea what hard could be until Audrey started pre-K. See, I know my daughter. I know her sweet little heart, but I also know that one of the main reasons she is still alive is because she’s cute and she’s probably only cute to me because she’s mine. I know these things, I’m not trying to kid myself. So sending her off to someone who might not find her as cute as I do worries me, except for the fact that I know that legally they can’t kill her so that’s good, right?

I knew we would have some issues. I thought to call her teacher and give her a friendly warning but surprises are just so much fun. Audrey is “strong willed”(bossy) to put it nicely. She’s a leader, not a follower (again, bossy). She is vocal with a wide vocabulary and smart (bossy and a smart ass). Too smart sometimes while not being afraid to call you out. In fact, the other day I told my husband that I SWORE she gives me the “get your shit together, mom” look. Seriously, she does. In her defense, I often do need to get it together.

On the first day we had a long talk on the way to school about behavior and making good choices. I thought we were clear. That day upon pickup, a very sweet looking (and young, very very young) Miss Johnson pulled me aside and said “We had a tough day today.” Seems Audrey decided sharing was for amateurs, so was listening, cleaning, and pretty much anything else. Also, sand in the shoes. CRISIS! Crying melt down. Hysterics. And… Scene.

Day two: Wash/rinse/repeat

Day three we had a breakthrough. I decided to have a long talk with Miss Johnson about ways we could mutually team up to defeat the thumb-sucking dictator and reign supreme. I shared with her some ways that we work through issues and crying at home and implemented a sticker system to be done at home. You call it bribery, I call it winning. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

Chart

The deal was that if Miss Johnson said Audrey had a good day at school she would get a sticker for her chart at home. After 8 stickers she could pick a prize. Not surprisingly she choose a stuffed Parasaurolophus. I know right? Who wouldn’t?

Several great days followed. She was like a new kid! Then we had a bad day. Audrey again decided cleaning up the toys was for the staff and refused by staging a sit-in under her desk and crying. Later that day she didn’t get picked to do some job (oh NOW you want to help?) and this time chose to crawl under Miss Johnson’s desk. When they politely tried to pry her from her den she hit the teacher’s aide in the arm.

A few more good days….

And then…the day from hell.

Oh this particular day I walked in for pickup to see a haggard looking Miss Johnson who clearly looked in need of a stiff cocktail. She started off by saying, “Now I want to just say that everyone’s child has had a day today. All of them. ALL. OF. THEM. However…”

And this is where it gets interesting. So apparently Audrey got a little tired during Circle Time and decided a nap on the classroom kiddie sofa was in order. At this point, judging from the new grey hairs on Miss Johnson’s very young head (she’s got to be 25, tops), I could only imagine that she could have cared less about the impromptu nap time. Except, of course, Audrey took it a step further when every time she spoke (you know since she was TEACHING and all), Audrey would loudly yell, and yes, this is a direct honest-to-God quote, “WOULD YOU PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!” 

I definitely didn’t plan this whole pregnancy thing out so well, timing wise, with the whole preschool thing because I don’t think I’ve ever needed a cocktail so bad in my life.

Cheers to you, Miss Johnson. Somebody get this girl a shot of vodka and a cookie…after hours, of course.

PS, can we talk, just briefly, about drop off. What the hell is the deal with school drop off? The first day of school I drove the wrong way down the drop off lines. Yes, I was that mom with my husband following behind me, completely mortified and cursing in way I’m sure would make a sailor blush. You would have thought I was clubbing a baby seal or letting Audrey mainline crack in her car seat! I’m new here people! Pre-k mom coming through! Drop off is like a well choreographed minivan ballet where nobody invited me to practice.  Drop off scares me. Whatever Minivan Mafia, I’ll park and walk. I like the exercise, it’s only 106 out.

 

Lesson of the week: When parenting sucks, suck it up

Lesson of the week: When parenting sucks, suck it up

sick 1

There really is nothing worse than having a sick child, really nothing. They hurt, cry and beg you to help them make it go away and all you can really do is comfort them until it gets better. We are lucky in that Audrey is probably one of the heartiest and healthiest kids around. I attribute this boost in immunity to the fact that she sucks her (often disgusting) thumb. Although I always have sanitizer on hand I rarely make it to her (while running and screaming in a slow-motion NOOO!!!) before the thumb goes from the grocery store cart straight into the mouth.

Bleah.

Whatever the reason, we are always thankful of the fact that she has, at worst, had a mild cold in the 3 and half years on this planet… that is, until now.

sick 2

So here we are, day six on sick kid watch and I. Am. Over. It. I know I’m a jerk for complaining when she is the one who is sick (poor thing) but indulge me for a second, I’m tired. Since the onset of the plague I have moved from my bed to the guest room so that I can comfort her around the clock like a good mom. When she in not literally lying on me, which is how she has spent the majority of the last 5 days, she will be lying in my bed  bogarting my iPad and Netflix account.

In the past few days I have been summoned across the house for things like “I have burgers (boogers)”, “my show is over”, “I don’t like this show anymore”, “or this one”, “this one neither” (not being able to find something to watch has been an annoying theme), and “I’m lying down”. This is not “I need to lie down” or “I am having trouble lying down” but that she is physically in the horizontal position and just wanted to let me know.

But my personal favorite was when I did a mad sprint across the house to a crying child thinking a limb had spontaneously flew off her body only to hear, “Can you hand me my juice please?” The juice in question was six inches away from her.

Tylenol, Motrin & iPad

Tylenol, Motrin & iPad

As of now we are on the mend and the plague turned out to be croup.

I may complain to you (and my poor husband) but I would never let her know that. I may be at my wits end but I will always be there with a tissue (or my sleeve) ready and available. I may be blind with exhaustion but there will be a pep in my step when I come’a runnin with her juice…again for the 70 billionth time. And I will always always always make time in my schedule for snuggling.

Even if that does mean I will be next on the plagues hit list.

sick 3

 

I’m raising a criminal

I’m raising a criminal

(Name of specific grocery store withheld in order to protect the un-innocent. Is un-innocent even a word? If it isn’t, it should be.)

It’s happened, every parents worse fear. My child has embarked on a life of crime.

And aside from aiding and abedding this criminal, I was also an unwitting accomplace.

Lock us up.

Yesterday was grocery day in the Yontz house and often times I let Audrey help me “hold” various things in order to keep her quiet, or at the very least, keep the noise leve to a low roar. (You’re welcome fellow shoppers.)

But yesterday she took her assistance to a whole new level. I got all checked out, bags loaded up in the cart, off to the car I go.  I get everything in the trunk of my car and as I pick up Audrey to put her in her carseat…I find them.

Exhibit A, B & C.

STOLEN OBJECTS! Audrey STOLE stuff. She hid them under her woobie in the cart and they were not paid for upon check out. Where did I go wrong with this child? What’s next, car stereos and nose rings?

In her defense, she’s 2 so i’m sure the crime was purely unintentional. I’m also sure she wasn’t really hiding them under the woobie but merely placed them next to her and happened to just throw her woobie over them, but still…

(Side note, good thing her father is an attorney. Save us on legal fees in the future.)

It gets worse though. Upon finding her stash I was torn. Do I go back inside and pay OR get in to the car and go home. Keep in mind that going back into the store isn’t as easy as it sounds since we live in Arizona and it’s already hot here. Leaving the grocery bags in the car isn’t an option so I’d have to put everything back into the cart to return to the crowded store.

It’s probably not going to be a huge surprise to any of you that I just put her in the car and went home. It was hot and I had to get home to start googling boarding schools. I did however say a prayer to Jesus on the way home appologizing for my child breaking one of the 10 commandments and promised him that I will, from now on, be frisking her upon checkout. Amen.

Can you IMAGINE if I had gotten caught? Picture me walking out of the store, alarms go off, security throws me on the floor, pulling out the good screaming, “A-HA! Just as I suspected! Sargento! She’s likes the good stuff boys, CUFF HER!” I mean seriously, I’m one of those people who hears the door alarms go off in stores and I immediately frisk myself to make sure it’s not me. I already have a guilty conscience so this isn’t going to help.

This whole mom gig get’s more and more interesting by the day. Last week she told me “That cool Mommy”. She’s 2! Does anyone else have a criminal in the family? What would you have done if you were me?

 

 

 

Welcome to my new home….

Well, hello there, fancy seeing you here. Thank you for coming to see my new home. It’s a beauty isn’t it? Yeah, worked on it day and night all by myself.

Okay, that was a lie. I actually paid someone to do it because I’m an idiot. And if you ask her, she will surely agree.

I need to take a minute to introduce you to someone with the patience of a saint and the smarts of Bill Gates. Her name is Kelly Torres and she is the woman behind Twenty70 Hosting.

Lurve her. Like really. Like if I wasn’t already married I would be internet dating her. (Sorry Jennifer and Laura, but I’ve been cheating on you. What can I say, I’m too much blog for one two women.) She not only did all this awesomeness for a very low price, but she did it fast and she endured all my stupid questions with ease. Even let me text her after hours.

Most of you reading don’t even let me do that, and you like me.

(**SIDE NOTE: I just typed Laura’s blog address “An Uncommon [family]” into my google to get the link for that and google was smart enough to finish it with “Drunk”. The internet is on to her.)

Anyway, she created this fab new spot you’re perusing right now. So make yourself comfortable, ohh and ahh to your heart’s content. It’s gorg, I know. And I don’t even use the word “gorg”.

I had been thinking of making the big jump from Blogger to WordPress for a while but was afraid of the cost and the struggles (because like I’ve said before, I’m an idiot and im cheap). Twenty70 did the switch, the design and is hosting for one low monthly price. AND Kelly Torres herself did all my work.

So now you know why I’ve been MIA lately. Well, that and I’m been lazy as hell and my blog has suffered.

BUT I HAVE A REASON! I swear I do…

If  you’re a guy, this will be TMI so feel free to just scroll down now, don’t worry I won’t be offended.

So ladies, the time has come, we said we would wait till Audrey turned 2, which she did last week (birthday post to follow), we are on the baby making train.

Yup. We are so on that train that we have bought our tickets, packed our bags, picked out our seat and ordered a cocktail (gotta get all the drinking in while I can).

But first I had to pull the goalie (otherwise known as ditching the IUD). And if any of you have Mirena, you know how painful that is. Ugh. So I’ve been recovering…and PMSing like a mofo.

I am so damn pleasant right now.

So start sending us all those good baby vibes and prayers for a boy would be nice too.

Tomorrow I will post pictures of the Elmo party, the Mommalogues photo shoot and the new furry addition to the family.

Happy Monday, yo!

 

Pimple free in 2012 with Beauty Society? Yes please!

I would like to preface this whole deal by saying one thing: I love my baby. Like a lot a lot. She’s cute and super cool and smells good (sometimes) and makes me a better person all around.


However…


She ruined my body. Like a lot a lot.


I have saggy swingy boobs now. My belly is “interesting” (but discovering a little gem called Yummie Tummie has been helping with that). And my skin. Ugh, don’t get me started on my skin. It’s ruined. It’s terrible. Like embarrassingly terrible.


Like fifteen year old boy who’s voice is cracking, eats pizza 5 times a day and works the fryer at McDonalds terrible.

Exhibit A

I know, right? And this was on a GOOD day!


I was one of those lucky girls in high school who didn’t have to deal with teenage acne. And I told anyone that would listen that I never took my makeup off at night and used bar soap every day on my life.


It was awesome.


And then I gave birth to Audrey.


*facepalm*


So I have this amazing friend named Silvia who has been telling me about this beauty line called Beauty Society where she is a “Diva”.


Beauty Society is a company founded by a woman named Jeannie Lorin who says, in her own words, that she is “obsessed with helping women obtain their Full Potential In Beauty, Financial Dreams and Giving Back to the world!” Not a bad goal to have, if I do say so myself. 


What she has created is a beauty empire with a conscience, where women can run and control their own businesses in an ‘everyone wins’ business model while giving back to women throughout the world. 

Getting back to me…



Now I’m more of a complainer, not so much a doer. I mean she’s been telling me about her line for EVER and I pretty much just preferred to sit and whine about how crappy my skin was. Doing something, well, that would be way too proactive for me.


And then this beautiful little care package came in the mail…(by the way, it’s probably the best smelling package I’ve ever received too. Like how you would imagine a love letter from Elle Woods would be.)

Now mind you when you look at how much of the cleanser I’ve used…I got this back in SEPTEMBER, it is now mid DECEMBER!


First off, we have Set Me Free pore clearing cleanser. Um, LOVE. This is the description on the site:

Break free from the shackles of excess oil, impurities, congested pores and those horrible nuisances called ‘breakouts’. Made entirely of fresh natural cleansing agents derived entirely from tea tree, sage, thyme and eucalyptus, this amazingly powerful, oil free cleanser was created for those with normal-to-oily blemish-prone skin types to purify pores deep down where the issues start. Set your best face forward from this day on with beautifully clearer, healthier skin.

My description is that it’s a bottle of awesomeness that smells all minty and fresh. Easily removes eye makeup and doesn’t make my face feel all dried out. I use it every time I wash and even with a face scrub brush for extra exfoliation. 

Next we have Drama Free (don’t you just love the name?) repair serum. This is what the site says about it:

Your life has enough drama. Make your skin one less thing to worry about. Let this ultra-powerful, cutting edge serum take the ‘drama’ away from multiple skin issues related to sun-damage, fine lines, rosacea, scarring, acne, laser or chemically treated skin. Ingredients like soluble betaglucans, superoxide dismutase and sodium hyaluronate will work overtime to bring back the youthful glow and continue to teach the skin to repair itself. Now the drama in your life won’t show on your face.

I have to say, this stuff works. I have been so worried about the long term damage to my skin (marks and scars) due to the break outs and this stuff has been working hard to clear it all away. I am positive my skin wouldn’t look as great as it does now without it.

Now my FAVORITE MUST NEED YOU HAVE TO BUY NOW item is Blemish 911. Observe…

Stop picking and let this wonder gel soothe, fight bacteria, and fix that pesky blemish. Salicylic acid cleans the pores while hydrating algae, betaglucans, green tea and cornflower go to work so that irritation, redness and inflammation don’t take over your face. Then, an invisible seal covers and protects the blemish from pollutants and makeup. Those blemishes don’t stand a chance against the hop-to-the-rescue super gel. 

Okay, my description? This little blue bottle is full of acne voodoo and kickassedness (is that a word? It is now.) No seriously, it is. I put it on a jerkface pimple at night and like magic, all gone by morning. If you’re going to by one troubleshooting product, this would be it.

And last but not least we have Anytime Anywhere time-released moisturizer.

Smooth it on baby! Anytime. Anywhere. This time-released, age-fighting moisturizer isn’t called the ‘smart moisturizer’ for nothin’. Working with the skin’s own natural moisturizing lipids, Anytime, Anywhere perfectly balances any skin type — normal, oily or dry. Worn day and night, this silky soft lotion delivers deep down hydration, while also fighting back the hands of time with Vitamins A, C and E.

I will admit one thing about myself here, I am a moisturizer snob. I have been know to shell out some serious coin on stuff like La Mer, Shiseido and Dr.Perricone. I know good moisturizer when I see it. And ladies, let me tell you…I saw it! This is my new go-to for my face. No heavy perfume, creamy texture and non-greasy. What’s not to love. 

So now for the end result…
Sexy beast. 

So, now other than having had 1 problem with the packaging of my moisturizer, I’m a Beauty Society convert and you can be too. (My issue was quickly address, corrected and replaced. How’s that for great customer service?) Silva is offering 10% off your order from now until January 13th, 2012 with the code SILVIA10. You can get this deal ONLY if you order from her own page. So be aware of that when you place you order. Just so you know, they aren’t JUST a skincare line! Check out the skin care (anti-aging/daily/acne), make-up, perfume AND even that super amazing awesome Enormous Lash that makes your lashes and even eyebrows grow and fill in. I’m asking Santa for that this year, I HATE my lashes!



Afraid to try it out? Don’t be! All Beauty Society products are 100% money back guaranteed for 1 year on skin care (30 days on makeup) so it’s completely RISK FREE! You can’t even get that kind of deal at the department stores. (Trust me, I’ve tried to return products, it doesn’t go over so well with the perfume jockeys.) If that’s not kickass enough, certain products are recyclable and REFILLABLE. Yes, you read that right. You get a discount when you buy refills as opposed to buying a whole new bottle. Genius.

Try it out, you won’t be sorry. Get to know Silvia, she’s super nice. I’ve known her half my life so she’s pretty legit. :)

Are you looking to find a new product? Whats your trouble area? Have you tried Beauty Society before? 
Now for the legal sounding crap. Other than having been given product for review, I was not compensated in any way for my glowing review and was not swayed in any other way. I just really think they are awesomesauce. Now go order from Silvia. You’re welcome.

Today’s Mommalogue!

So today we’re talking about reading.

We read a lot in our house. It’s not always what I would choose but hey, I want to know where the damn fish is too, so I go with it.

Watch my video and let me know what you think.

We have a special guest in this one. Audrey makes an appearance…then a disappearance…then an appearance again.

This must be why they say not to work with kids or animals. Will I ever learn?

Watch today’s video HERE.

That’s it, you’re going in time out…

The “baby” is now over a year and half. Can I still call her a baby? And since I’m asking, can I still call it baby fat? What about maternity pants? Why do Pajama Jeans still look so appealing? Where’s my credit card…

Anyway, now that we are screaming (literally) toward our terrible two’s it’s time to set some tough limits.

Audrey didn’t appreciate it.

The other day was a changing point in the parent-child-dog relationship when my beautiful sweet child crawled her little fat self onto the couch to pet her dog, instead grabbing the sleeping wiener dog by the EARS and throwing her to the floor.

Oh no she did not just do that…

For the first time in her life, I picker her up by her arms and sat this kid down in time out.

Cue hysterics.

Hers, not mine.

She cried and cried and cried and I stood there telling her NO and that she hurt the dog and that was a Bad Bad Bad thing.

Worst part is that my kid is hilarious. Like really hilarious.

In the midst of my lecture (that I’m sure was more for show for the dog than for her), she looks up at me, red teary eyes, drool from the mouth and says, “Hi Mama”…waving and all.

The fact that I wasn’t able to keep a straight face probably just ruined any shot I had at discipline in the future.

Oh yeah and then there’s her father…

She doesn’t like to be in trouble and at the slightest hint of discord, will throw her arms around your neck giving you the warmest sweetest little hug and smile in the world. How do you say ‘manipulative little bugger’ in kid speak?

The last time she did this in front of us both, I just looked at Rutherford with that ‘see how she is?’ look I have come accustomed to showing him.

All he says is “I’m buying everything she’s selling”.

I am so screwed.

Yeah so cute, 2 seconds later she flipped the dog water bowl all over the kitchen floor.

What do you guys do when you’re supposed to be serious and you just…can’t. Is it like my brother used to tell me he would think of them he, ahem, needed to calm down…”Margret Thatcher naked in the snow…Margret Thatcher naked in the snow…dead puppies..dead puppies..”